The war inside me is raging

                                                     The war inside me is raging

“When depression hits, I burn. I fall into darkness and I cannot get myself back up. My chest burns and I feel awful, the emptiness fills me up making me want to scream out loud. I controlled it and I was strong. It still hurts and I wish it would stop. I don’t want things to go back to how it was, I want it to get better. I’m trying, hoping, and waiting for it to get better. I don’t know what my purpose is right now, but I have many reasons to live. It gets tiring though, fighting against my mind. But I love myself so much to give up, so I fight. One thing I have to do is keep fighting.”

What do you know about Depression? Do you think an individual going through depression is not capable of feeling happiness? Allow me to assist you in getting a better understanding of what it really is. 
Depression is a mood disorder where an individual feels consistent sadness. The individual tends to not be able to function in their normal routine. Imagine crying for no reason, feeling empty, feeling unsafe, worthless, irritated, and vulnerable when there is nothing wrong going on in your life. The pain kills you from the inside, and your head is at constant war. You would feel your head screaming although the words are not clear. The emptiness you feel is sur-real. You’d feel a gap within you and it slowly expands. You’d feel so lost, so helpless, guilty, and that you have no purpose. You’d feel tired, and you’d do anything to get a few minutes of peace. You’d wish for someone else to battle your war for you. The things you’d normally do to make yourself happy will not bring you joy anymore. When you do something you enjoy, it doesn’t take a long time for that satisfaction to be drained away. It would feel like your soul is taken out, you’d feel like an empty vessel. Even though you sleep, you’d feel like you’ve not slept at all. Though your body is at rest, your mind isn’t. 
 
The assumption that depression appears out of nowhere is highly inaccurate. There are many factors that lead to the cause of it. Causes that society isn’t fully aware of. Allow me to explain a few reasons as to why it occurs. Genetic predisposition is responsible for the cause of depression. It’s a big word, isn’t it? A family history of a depressive disorder indicates a genetic predisposition for depression. Still don’t understand it? Well in simple terms this means that if a family member of yours is clinically diagnosed with depression, there is a possibility that you could also be diagnosed with depression as well. 
Your personality has a major influence on depression. It is scientifically identified that individuals with borderline personality disorder tend to be diagnosed with high rates of depression. The question is how does personality lead to depression? If you are someone who has a trait of worrying too much, is sensitive to what others say about you, and has low self-esteem, it makes you vulnerable to depression. And changes in hormones such as serotonin is linked to the cause of depression.
Are you someone who consumes a high quantity of drugs and alcohol? Even though, these substances provide satisfaction. The satisfaction gained is temporary and it leads to depression. 

“When the pain becomes unbearable, I cannot take it anymore. My head is killing me and my heart is aching so much. 

STOP… Make it stop, please. 
I can't stop this pain,
I'm burning inside.
Please, God, help me,
I'm so helpless right now.
There's a fire going on in my mind,
It's rising and burning.
My heart aches, 
My mind aches.
I can't control it,
I can't help myself.
I'm trying though, 
I'm trying so hard.
Please help me,
Give me more strength.
I just want to be okay,
I just want to feel happy.
To be me,
Not this empty soul, this lost soul,
who feels like she has no purpose.
Please help me,
Give me strength.
That's all I'm asking,
To be okay, once again. 
To wake up every day feeling excited,
Not to feel this hole in me. 
Please help me, god,
Have mercy on me.” 

When you want to escape society, you escape into your mind. Your mind is your safe place. The only place that allows you to imagine things that brings you so much joy. But imagine trying to escape your mind because it brings you so much pain. Imagine wanting the pain to end, and you’d go to the extent of harming yourself in order to stop the pain. 

Does depression lead to suicide? Depression and suicide do have a connection. But these suicidal thoughts are not just “I want to die.” No, it is also “I want a break from everything because I am so tired.” 
“I feel like a burden, I am causing so much pain towards my family and loved ones.” 
“I want to sleep for a few days, so I won’t be able to feel the pain.” 
“What is the point of living?.”
“Life has no meaning.” 
“There is no future I want to live in.”
“I feel so lost.” 

When you’re depressed, when you’re in a position where you cannot take it anymore, sometimes all you need is a hand to hold, someone to back you up and tell you it’s going to be alright. So, to anyone who knows someone going through depression or is not doing okay, hold them tight. Don’t let go. You’ve no idea how precious it is for them. Hold them and tell them it’s going to be okay. 
The best way to support an individual going through depression is by assisting them in finding a psychiatrist. Seeking professional assistance is one of the best ways to help the individual. Encourage them to express themselves through writing, tell them to start writing a “JOURNAL”.
Exercising is key to an individual with depression, tell them to exercise as if their life depends on it because it truly does. I’ve found that Yoga is another therapeutic method to help oneself. Small tip, you don’t necessarily need to undergo depression to start yoga, it is a healthy activity for all individuals. For further assistance in fighting against depression, I strongly suggest seeking professional help. 

The lack of understanding of what depression truly is one of the major causes as to why people are not able to get the necessary assistance required. Parents do not understand or notice that their child is going through such difficulties and children themselves are not able to understand that such changes are occurring within themselves. In simple words, they lack self-awareness. In my opinion, Emotional intelligence is key to survival. 

Not everyone is open to discussing their personal problems. There are people in this world that are aware that they’re not doing okay but still remain to keep shut and not seek help. Why? Does asking for help make you weak? No, definitely not. Asking for help shows the love that you have for yourself. It is the first step to getting better, the first step into moving to a better life, a safer one. When you choose to remain quiet, you’re not just hurting yourself, you’re hurting the ones around you, the ones that love you. A close friend of mine went through depression, I remember when she refused to go to the doctor because she was ashamed, she was ashamed to go through it, to be mentally ill. However, the first step she took by going to the doctor changed her entire life. After fighting for months, she has grown to be one strong individual who is proud of her journey and is willing to do whatever she can to help anyone in need. She told me “I only started living, my eyes completely opened when my life changed because of depression”. You’re not weak, in-fact you are one strong person to fight, to not give up when you want to. Depression does not make you weak, it doesn’t make you a freak. No, it doesn’t change the way the world sees you. If anyone says otherwise, remember they are just single-minded people who have nothing better to do with their lives. You matter, your life matters and there is much for you to achieve with your life. You’ve been given this life for a reason, yes, it’s difficult, but life is meant to be difficult. Nobody makes it out with pure happiness. Yes, you’re going through a lot compared to others but learn to embrace it. Embrace it with pride and take it as a blessing. Because my dear, if you fought through depression, you have the strength to fight through anything. The bravest thing you’d ever do is staying alive when you wanted to die. Spread awareness, spread love and kindness, and remember that depression is not something to ignore. It is important to fight for the ones we love and make sure they know that they’re not alone. 

A faithfulsoul